That Old, Ugly Feeling...

Does anyone else have those little meltdowns, those days when your whole mood is just completely off kilter and there isnt much you can do to change it?


Yea, well i had one of those on Sunday. I woke feeling not quite right, like halfway through the night the happy, satisfied part of myself had decided to slip between the sheets and not show her face in the morning. I felt frumpy, tired, ugly and irritable. I thought dressing up a little would lift my mood, so instead of my usual jeans/jumper/Converse All Stars combo i threw some tights on under a summer dress, with a cardy and boots. I really liked my outift ( way cute! ) but, even so, it did little to liven me up. Now i just felt like a fat, ugly frump wearing a pretty dress. So - no better then. I tried to put on a smiley happy face but it didnt stop the sense of "blah, blah, shitty, blah " from spreading through the inside of me. Even Micks playful teasing - which i usually give as good as i get - didnt make me smile. In fact, it only served to make me feel worse.

Image from here

And why? Was there a reason for this overwhelming feeling of ugly emptiness? I kept telling Mick "no, i dont know, not really ", telling him that i was just having a bad day. But that wasnt exactly true...

She's having another baby.
She's having another baby, and i'm not.

Why oh why is my sense of self-worth so still tied up with her? Why is the way i feel about myself so bound by what she does, or thinks, or says? Why can i feel so fulfilled and happy and confident in what i have and what i want, but one Facebook status is enough to bring me undone? And i cant even see the status ( i was "de-friended", remember? ) so i hear the news from Mick, and i have to bite my lip and say " Oh, really? Good on them " without also saying " I wish we were having one now too ".

Because, believe it or not, i am both happy for her and extremely jealous - even though my plans for a baby are only a few months from getting underway ( as it were... ). For some reason, the fact that she is adding to her family first makes me unbelievably sad for myself, like again i'll be sitting in her shadow and she'll be getting the things i would like to have for myself. Which, in retrospect, is probably how she felt when i was pregnant.... she had been trying to conceive for a while and there i was, falling pregnant accidentally. The difference is a) she already had everything else, and had it for a long time, while i was plodding along with the lower paid job, living with my parents while i saved for a home, spending years without a man to love me, having to scrimp and save for every little thing i wanted, when everything else came so easily to her.... and b) i can be envious that its not my time BUT i can still wish her the best. She didnt do that for me.

So, even though we havent spoken for almost a year, i sent her a message of congratulations. I got a polite, yet curt, " Thank you " in return. I dont know what i was expecting - if anything at all - but i had hoped for something more. Selfishly maybe - maybe sending her a message was inappropriate, like i was trying to get something from her that she isnt willing to give. Maybe it was me subconsciously trying to say " See? This is what you should have done for me. Why couldnt you just put your jealousy aside ? ". I dont know. I dont want to psycho-analyse myself anymore, I'm tired of picking apart and second guessing the choices i make ( made. didnt make. apparently made... ). Whats is done now but what remains is that there is a baby on the way, but its not on its way to me... and i feel like a failure.

Trust Yourself - Scared To Do

( By Mary Jaksch )Emerson says: “Always do what you are afraid to do.” What is ‘too scary’ to write about? Try doing it now.


You know what - i think i've written about quite a bit of " scary " stuff on here. Depression, suicide, loneliness, heartbreak, lying, manipulation and selfishness. Thats some pretty scary shit right there, some stuff that i know other bloggers wouldnt even contemplate writing about. But back when i started this blog, thats primarily what it was for - it was a way of externalising all those things that were weighing me down. It really didnt matter to me whether anyone else read it or not ( although helpful comments were always appreciated ). So when i first saw the question posed in this prompt, i really didnt know what i could answer with. " I've done all the scary stuff - end question " ? And then it hit me...

Image from here

Revenge. Cold, hard, bitchin' revenge. I dont want to admit the feelings i'm having because to even think them makes me sick - what kind of person must i bet to feel this way? Doesn't even having these thoughts make me just as bad as she was? Or does it make me as bad as she said i am? But now here i am, going to admit them, in writing, for all of you to judge .... and thats scary. But you know what would be so satisfying to me? The " revenge " that would make me feel so much better about the way she treated me? What would make me feel like the "winner" ?

Falling pregnant and having another beautiful baby before she does....

Wishful Thinking

I wish i was finding it easier to get past this.
I wish random little things didnt turn my mind to you.
I wish i didnt have to see your car driving around town, or worry about bumping into you somewhere.
I wish i'd never met you.
I wish, in my heart of hearts, that i really believed that.
I wish you hadnt made me feel so bitter. I want to be a better person than that.
I wish you hadnt lied, and kept up that lie, leading me on.
I wish you could see that thats exactly what you did, instead of denying it, and then giving me no chance of showing you evidence of the fact.
And i wish i hadnt found those photos. I simultaneously love and hate the way photos can call up memories. Memories i wish i didnt have.

I was cleaning out the bottom of Flynns wardrobe on Friday which, despite being his cupboard, is actually the storage spot for all of my old bills, correspondences and paperwork. There was plenty of crap in there that just went straight into the re-cycling bin but amongst it all i found a folder of photos of me and my ex-best friend. I wish i hadnt found them. For those of you who are new around here or those of you who missed it - my "best friend " dumped me late last year, saying she just didnt want to be friends with me anymore. There are, of course, more elaborate details to it than that ( me sending her a text announcing my pregnancy, her not speaking to me for a month or so and then saying i shouldnt be having a baby, "forgiving " each other, then me being ignored after she fell pregnant and gave birth to her own child and me expressing my disappointment and anger about it here on my blog... you know, just to name a few )but basically, in the end, it came down to the fact she didnt want to be friends with me anymore because, apparently, i'd changed. Not knowing how, or when, this change had come about she said she didnt really want to talk about it, but that the first time she noticed the so-called change and was annoyed by my behaviour was late 2008.

Stumped, i mulled things over. I pondered what i'd done, when i'd done it; i cried myself to sleep some nights and i cried in the shower most mornings for weeks on end; i talked things over, to myself, trying to figure things out. And then, after all that, i re-read through 2 years worth of emails.... and thats when i realised. She lied to me. Despite my angry and ill-thought-out blog post which was pretty much the beginning of the end ( and which i regret ), despite how angry she was at me for it and despite how many insults she threw at me, horrible characteristics she attributed to me.... SHE LIED. She lied to me for over a year and, in doing so, manipulated my feelings. She made me feel like the lowest being on the face of the earth for something as simple as a text message....BUT SHE LIED. She lead me on, and i have proof. I found it, with the photos. A copy of an email ( in regards to some advice i asked her for ), dated 25th March 2009, which ends in the following paragraph:
P.S. At the end of all this, I love that you value my opinion so much, but it IS your life and only you know how you feel so only you will know what's right. Either way I will be there for you no matter what happens. Mwah Mwah


LIAR. She said that, 5 months after i supposedly changed and offended her with my behaviour. 5 months after she realised she didnt really like me anymore. Why would she say that, if she didnt mean it? Why would she then still email me, the same old friendly chat, but deliberately go out of her way NOT to see me when she came home for the weekend? Why would she then, after " the text " and supposed forgivness, play happy friends with the rest of our peers but ignore me? Because she's a liar. And she lead me on, and manipulated me into thinking we were still close, and just waited til all that negligence and ignorance did my head in, and i made a mistake, so she could end the friendship but still be the " good guy ".

And, to be quite frank - thats not fucking fair.

Birthday Blues

Firstly – yes, i know i haven’t posted for a week. Its uncharacteristic. Truth be told, i have no excuse except the fact that i couldn’t really be bothered. I have been reading, and commenting, on other peoples blogs, i just haven’t been enthused enough to write anything on mine. But i digress....


For those of you have been paying attention the past few weeks, this past Saturday was my 27th birthday. I had big plans to go to the zoo with Mick and Flynn but the stinking hot weather put an end to that ( too hot for us, and too hot for the animals to even bother coming out of their shade or shelters ). No matter – i thought my boys could take me to lunch, and then i could have birthday cake with my family. All good.

But it wasn’t – it wasn’t all good at all. My mind, and my heart, wouldn’t let it be. I wanted so much to really enjoy my birthday, to enjoy the time with my family, but i just couldn’t. Somewhere in the back of my mind, in the depths of my heart....there she was. There it was – the shadow of my lost friendship, hanging like a black cloud over everything. Even though i was surrounded by family, i felt like something ( or someone ) was missing. The first birthday with no “ happy birthday! “ text, no card, no shared cake. And even though i had loving family around me i felt strangely, mind-numbingly, alone.

I had lunch with Mick ( Flynns teeth were playing up and i didn’t fancy having a squirmy, sooky toddler with me at the restaurant), then we had birthday cake at home, an d then i went for dinner at my parents ( which i didn’t eat, because i didn’t feel hungry ). The first chance i got i snuck off and sobbed my heart out, the kind of sobbing that makes you dry heave and makes your head ache. My dad came and found me and i poured my heart out to him – he’s always really good with advice and gave me a few words of wisdom, and confirmed that i am NOT, in fact, a horrible person. So i swallowed my tears and went down to the loungeroom to watch “ Toy Story 3 “.

And thats my birthday – drowned in a sea of lonliness and bitterness and hurt, and seemingly controlled by someone who wasn’t even there. Bring on my 28th!

The Seven Stages

I dont know if its common knowledge or not, but apparently there are 7 stages of grieving for a human being.
1. Shock and denial
2. Pain and guilt
3. Anger and frusturation
4. Depression and reflection
5. The " upward " turn
6. Reconstruction
7. Acceptance

Strangely, after the "break up " with my best friend, i find myself going through these stages. No-one has died, yet i still feel grief for a relationship lost. Is that weird? And do you know where i think i'm up to?
3. Anger and Frusturation - Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else . This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. Yes, after all these years of being meek and mild, of being the kind of person who dislikes confrontation, who can find the good in most people, i've finally arrived at "angry ". I'm not exactly wanting to " lay unwarranted blame " because as far as i'm concerned it takes two to tango ( so they say ). I am at the stage where i have confronted the accusations thrown at me and come to accept that even if i dont understand where they have come from, i do understand that they are real to her, and i have accepted responsibility for that. However, i have also looked back on the past few years of relationship and have had the clarity to see all those little things i missed, those signs that i was on the outer....and i feel stupid. I feel like i've been lead on and played for a fool, and that makes me both sad and angry. Sad that i missed them all and i could have saved myself this heartache, if only i werent so trusting; and angry that i could have been treated that way by someone who once, supposedly, loved me.And angry, too, that she can't or wont "own " how she's made me feel.
And yes, its time for the release of bottled up emotion. But i wont do that here, and i wont do it to her face ( partly because i dont want to cause any more trouble, and partly because i have no line of communication with her anymore ). No, i do it in the shower, like all good women. In the shower i'm free to talk under the sound of the water, to whisper all those words i'd like to say, to let out the feelings that have been dragging me down the last few weeks, and to cry and cry and cry, and let the water wash away any evidence of my tears.
In the shower i can be naked, physically and emotionally, and i can let.It.Out. I just wonder how much longer til i reach the seventh stage and i can let it all go....

Pricked Again

Well - its over.

My ( now former ) best friend found my blog and didnt like what she read. She wasnt happy at what i had assumed about her husband, and i guess i cant blame her - it was an assumption after all. ( And, as we sadly know, retrospect is both a blessing and a curse ). But after months of being ignored by him ( and her aswell ) or, at the very least, getting the simplest of civil " hello's " i dont know what else i was supposed to think. Generally when someone does not speak to you, or speaks to you only because they feel obligated to, it means they dont actually like you. At least, thats my experience. Apparently her husband had nothing but the highest regards for Mick but, again, i didnt hear anything about it until too late. If he, or she, had made these apparent positive feelings known to me, I would never have had the chance to assume the worst ( as an over-active mind is want to do ).

I received any email from my friend yesterday morning, telling me how arrogant and nasty and horrible a person i am, how insecure I am in myself and my relationship, how hypocritical and judgemental and full of myself i am, and detailing every perceived slight against her dating back to high school. She berated me for confiding my feelings in my blog and not giving her husband a chance to defend himself, yet in the same breath brings up every " bad " thing i have ever done in the time she has known me, some of which i was not even aware of - which gives me no chance to defend myself. She said that we no longer have anything in common, that neither of us cares anymore, and that we're holding onto nothing. This may be true on her part but if i didnt care, would i have felt passionately enough to have let my feelings out? If i didnt care anymore i would have been happy to just see less and less of her until years down the track we realised we were no longer in each others lives. I did care, and i thought, after last years debacle, that there was still something to hold onto. She herself said so in an email back then - that we could both try and we'd only grow closer. Truth is, i was the only one who tried.

After our falling out when i announced my pregnancy, things were rough. We communicated gingerly, but when she herself fell pregnant she contacted me, elated and excited. I thought things were going to be great but i was always the instigator of any contact from that point. I would text her to see how her pregnancy was, email to see how she was feeling; when i was going into labour she was the second person i called ( after my mum ) because i wanted to share that crazy/scary moment with my best friend; i found out her daughter was born by a generic text message she sent to all her contacts ( unlike her however, i took no offence to texting ). When our babies were small i would be the one to text and see how she was getting on, and suggest a catch up - i cant recall once when she asked me without being prompted first. Over the past 8 months she has increasingly ignored me, via email and Facebook ( i commented on her status, and she would reply to everyone but me, and would never comment on my status except to hit the " Like " button ). Finally, this alienation became too much for me and i had my bloggy tizzy fit.

And now - we're over. She has said so in her email and, just to make it official, she has defriended me on Facebook - the ultimate in modern " fuck you "s. I replied to her missive, but dont expect a reply in return. And so, in the next few months, leading up to Christmas and my sons first birthday, and in planning my wedding - i will miss her. I will see her at the mall and wonder whether i should give a polite nod " hello "; i will see her driving around town and wonder where she is going; I will see that a mutual friend has commented on her Facebook status and wonder what she has written. I will wait and see if any other friendships falter, and wonder if she has told these other friends just how she feels about me. I will watch my son grow and wonder how her daughter is doing, whether we are experiencing the same mummy rites of passage. I will miss her.

But i will take this in my stride, learn from my mistakes, and know that i will grow to be a better person without the sadness and alienation and hurt she has slowly forced upon over the last year. I will live, and i will learn to trust in friends again. And i will continue to be me, the REAL me, and know that hiding my truth so as not be hated or judged ( as i felt i would be ) is just not worth my time, nor the heartbreak it will inevitably bring....

Prick Me Once....

Dear YouKnowWhoYouAre ( and if you dont you ought to ),

What happened? I know what you tell me happened - you said that i " changed ", though you couldnt pinpoint where or when. You said that i became different, the sort of different that you didnt like; that i started becoming arrogant, like i was better than everyone else. Thats what you say, anyway. Truth be told, i think your husband has been in your ear - i always liked him, i thought he was a great guy, but after our little episode i now think he's not a nice person at all.

So tell me the truth - did your husband convince you of my supposed transformation, or was it a conclusion you came to yourself? And if it is something you personally witnessed, could you please let me know when, and where and how? Because even now, more than a year after you confessed how much you didnt like me anymore, every word you said still hurts because i still have no idea what your talking about. Best as i can understand is that around the time i came out of the black cloud of depression i developed more self-confidence - i wasnt just the sad clown, funny-but-single best friend anymore. I had found a little personal happiness, something i was proud of and wanted to boast about. I was overcoming my demons and i wanted to shout that to the world. I would have thought you would have been happy about this, ecstatic that i'd found some kind of inner peace - instead, i think this is the "arrogance " you ( or he ) are referring to. I wasnt just content to sit in the background and be only your personal cheerleader anymore.... i was being the leader of my own cheer squad for a change. Maybe, just maybe, this left you out of my limelight for a little while and YOU DIDNT LIKE IT. You know, not being the centre of attention.

We have a strained relationship now, and its killing me. We both have little bubbas and we had always said that our children would be like siblings. Not so much. After your outburst, which i took with a grain of salt and without airing my own grievances with you ( not that i had many, and those which i had were so insignificant when compared with what i perceived to be the depth of our friendship... ), we still catch up but only once every month or so; if we run into each other in the supermarket its polite chit-chat about our babies and how busy we are, not a " hey, lets grab a coffee! " like before; and your husband barely says hello, let alone sits and has a conversation with me like we used to do. I'm sure he looks down his nose at my fiance, because he has a better, higher paid, better educated job, because you two are married and we are not. If anyone thinks they are better than anyone else, it is, dare i say, your hypocritical husband.

This has needed saying for a while, and rather than say it to you and risk the immediate end of our friendship, i've chosen to release my hurt to the virtual universe and let our relationship run its natural course. Whether it sinks or swim may be out of our hands and in those of the Fates, all i know is i've done all that i can to help it limp along and i'll be damned if i'll let it be dragged down by more ill words. Will you do the same?

Yours - hopefully,
Your ( Former? Probably. Seems Like Thats How You Want It ) Best Friend.

DD minus 21: Ah Crud, I Missed A Day

I promised myself that i was going to write a post every day of this countdown and then i got busy and distracted and went and missed a day. Poo to that! It was, of course, 22 days til the due date, it was Sunday yesterday and what distracted me was H's ballet recital and then going out for dinner. Her dance recital was so cute - all the little tiny girls are all dressed in sweet little costumes and they do their little dances as best as they can. At least one girl in every group dances way-out-crazy, and usually someone freezes up and starts either crying or waving to their families in the crowd. Once all the little girls are finished their routines they're allowed to get changed and then sit in the audience to watch the older girls perform. Highlight of the night:
H to my dad, in a quite moment between dances " Hey poppy, you should do ballet instead of golf!! " Every person in the immediate vicinity burst out laughing.....

Now, to today. The majority of it was spent tidying around the house and i finally got around to making more room in our linen cupboard so that i could unpack some more boxes from the garage. Yes, i know what your thinking - i've been living in this house for almost 6 months, surely i'd already done all the unpacking ? Well not quite.... i'd kind of left all the boxes of junk stuff til last because i didnt really have anywhere much to put them. Until today. The nesting instinct strikes again!

The only other noteworthy thing i got up to was catching up with P, my best ( and also pregnant ) friend. We've both been so busy working and doing baby things that we havent had much time for a catch up, but todays weather and the fact neither of us was working made it the perfect day for an icecream break. What was really fantastic though was being able to discuss all the little pregnancy niggles and birth worries with another impending first time mum. I mean dont get me wrong, its nice to get the advice of women who have been there, done that; but it was really great to get to talk about all the worries and issues and discomforts and the handful of good things ( hallelujah for the babys head moving down - i've discovered the ability to breath again! ) with someone else who's experiencing it for the first time and is just as confused as i am. P is due 4 weeks after me, so i suppose i'm just a tiny step ahead of her in terms of growings and goings on, and i'm hoping for her sake ( aswell as my own! ) that i have a good birthing experience..... i dont want to freak her out anymore than she probably already is!

So thats my Monday in a nutshell. For the record it was one scoop of macadamia nut and one scoop of passionfruit icecream and it was scrum-diddly-umptious! Tomorrows agenda? A run to the recycling center with all my excess cardboard - you know, from all that tidying and unpacking i did today - and afternoon tea with my nan, who i wont be seeing on Christmas Day. Oh, also, i plan on fitting in a nap somewhere ......