Yea, well i had one of those on Sunday. I woke feeling not quite right, like halfway through the night the happy, satisfied part of myself had decided to slip between the sheets and not show her face in the morning. I felt frumpy, tired, ugly and irritable. I thought dressing up a little would lift my mood, so instead of my usual jeans/jumper/Converse All Stars combo i threw some tights on under a summer dress, with a cardy and boots. I really liked my outift ( way cute! ) but, even so, it did little to liven me up. Now i just felt like a fat, ugly frump wearing a pretty dress. So - no better then. I tried to put on a smiley happy face but it didnt stop the sense of "blah, blah, shitty, blah " from spreading through the inside of me. Even Micks playful teasing - which i usually give as good as i get - didnt make me smile. In fact, it only served to make me feel worse.
Image from here
And why? Was there a reason for this overwhelming feeling of ugly emptiness? I kept telling Mick "no, i dont know, not really ", telling him that i was just having a bad day. But that wasnt exactly true...She's having another baby.
She's having another baby, and i'm not.
Why oh why is my sense of self-worth so still tied up with her? Why is the way i feel about myself so bound by what she does, or thinks, or says? Why can i feel so fulfilled and happy and confident in what i have and what i want, but one Facebook status is enough to bring me undone? And i cant even see the status ( i was "de-friended", remember? ) so i hear the news from Mick, and i have to bite my lip and say " Oh, really? Good on them " without also saying " I wish we were having one now too ".
Because, believe it or not, i am both happy for her and extremely jealous - even though my plans for a baby are only a few months from getting underway ( as it were... ). For some reason, the fact that she is adding to her family first makes me unbelievably sad for myself, like again i'll be sitting in her shadow and she'll be getting the things i would like to have for myself. Which, in retrospect, is probably how she felt when i was pregnant.... she had been trying to conceive for a while and there i was, falling pregnant accidentally. The difference is a) she already had everything else, and had it for a long time, while i was plodding along with the lower paid job, living with my parents while i saved for a home, spending years without a man to love me, having to scrimp and save for every little thing i wanted, when everything else came so easily to her.... and b) i can be envious that its not my time BUT i can still wish her the best. She didnt do that for me.
So, even though we havent spoken for almost a year, i sent her a message of congratulations. I got a polite, yet curt, " Thank you " in return. I dont know what i was expecting - if anything at all - but i had hoped for something more. Selfishly maybe - maybe sending her a message was inappropriate, like i was trying to get something from her that she isnt willing to give. Maybe it was me subconsciously trying to say " See? This is what you should have done for me. Why couldnt you just put your jealousy aside ? ". I dont know. I dont want to psycho-analyse myself anymore, I'm tired of picking apart and second guessing the choices i make ( made. didnt make. apparently made... ). Whats is done now but what remains is that there is a baby on the way, but its not on its way to me... and i feel like a failure.
