I was invited to a 30th birthday party for one of the mums from my mothers group, this past Saturday night. I decided not to go. Why? Because they had forgotten to tell me and one other mum the plans for the weeks meet up until 2 hrs before the actual get-together and i felt like an outsider; and because if i went alone ( Mick wasnt feeling well ) and i was excluded how hurt would i be? I just wasnt willing to put myself out there, and on Saturday night, i thought that was the best decision. Now? I'm not so sure.
" Sabotage " by the Beasty Boys - now thats funky...
I dont think its any secret that i have trust issues, and after the whole being "defriended " affair of late last year, i dont see these issues dissipating anytime soon. In fact, they've only gotten worse. I was thinking about it the other morning ( in the shower mind you, because its about the only alone time i get... ) and i think i definately sabotaged myself Saturday night. I talked myself out of going because of what i imagined would happen. Truth be told, i would probably have known at least half a dozen women there, and i would have had a really great time. But in my head, i couldnt put myself out there and trust that it would all work out. I.Just.Couldn't.Do.IT.
If i put myself out there again, and try and trust someone, to know the real me, to become a proper friend.... i run the risk of being dumped. Again. I dont know, right now, whether i'm willing to put myself through this again....
