Mothers Helper

I read a very interesting article in this months Madison magazine, about mothers using alcohol as a coping mechanism to make it through the day. It seemed, to the author, that there is a growing number of mums who use the reward of a glass of wine at the end of the day as a way to make through the muck and mire that can be day-to-day child-rearing.


Baby's screaming and the toddler is drawing on the walls? Its ok, i can have a wine soon. No-ones done any homework, dinner is nowhere near ready and 3 kids still need to have a bath? No worries, i can crack open a nice red as soon as they're asleep.

I guess what the question the article was posing is a) when did this become the stressed-out mummy norm? and b) is it really acceptable, and where do we draw the line?

I am not a big drinker at all - yes i got myself merrily sloshed at my recent wedding, and shared a bottle of wine with my new husband a few nights on our honeymoon, but before that the most i'd had to drink in over a year was 3 glasses of wine at my hens party. Despite doing the typical teenage thing and getting drunk at the pub of a weekend ( which i gave up pretty early on - kept up the clubbing, but spent my nights dancing with a can of Coke in my hand ), i've never really understood the compulsion to drink. Maybe its because i'm yet to find a bevvie that just really hits the palate so well that i MUST have it, but i dont "get" the need for a wine/beer/Breezer after a long day. Especially when this need becomes not one glass a few nights a week but 3 or 4 glasses EVERY night.

I dont want you to think i'm passing judgment - unless this compulsion becomes full-blown alcoholism i dont see anything wrong with a tipple or two, i just dont "get " it. Kind of the same way my mum doesnt "get " blogging, or my brother doesnt understand my very real and deep love for " That 70's Show ".

Maybe i'm boring, but my preferred form of escapsim after a stressful day of Flynn-related craziness is to relax with a book, to escape into someone elses life for a half hour or so, and forget about the massive tantrum thats just been thrown or how many dirty nappies i've changed that day.

So is it just me - is a drink after the kids bedtime the best way to relax? Is there something i'm missing?

Sharing Or Comparing?

When should a mum NOT feel proud of her child? When should she keep her mouth closed and not share her childs achievements, for fear of offending other mothers? Is it all in the way we say things, and not so much in what we're actually saying? And should i feel that horrible " mothers guilt " not for the way i parent my child, but the way my childs development makes other mothers feel?


These are all hypotheticals of course - i dont think i've actually said or done anything thats made another mum feel horrible ( at least, not intentionally ). I only ask because i wanted to leave a comment on another blog this morning, but i hesitated before my fingers hit the keyboard. See, this post was in regards to a beauitiful little childs development, all the things they were learning and milestones they had hit and, as another mum, i wanted say " job well done! " and share my experiences. After all, isnt that how conversation starts?

Learning to stop and say " cheese " when he sees a camera. Yep - i'm so proud! ( Even if it is when he's totally naked, running around Poppys backyard ... )

But then i paused - if i mentioned how Flynn was doing, was that me trying to compare our children? Would this other mum take that as me saying " Anything you can do, i can do better ". But then i though i wouldnt feel this way, i wouldnt hesitate, if i was saying " good job - Flynn isnt up to that yet ". No, i was only feeling that mother guilt because, in comparison, Flynn is a little further along the developmental path in one particular area than the other child.

So - should i feel bad that i left that comment? Should i only be proud of my son when his success isnt quite as good as someone else's, so i cant be accused of gloating ? ( Not that anyone has accused me of that, this all in my head thus far... ). Or should we just keep our traps shut when our children do something well, and only mention what we think will make others feel good? And how do we navigate the mothering landscape, learning and sharing and developing, without doing our bloody heads in worrying about what other mums are thinking of us?

That Small Warm Weight

The small, warm weight of him is nuzzled against my stomach, his head sweaty against my breast. He has been here for days now, feeling safe encircled in my arms. Without the use of words, we communicate with touch - i know his tummy hurts so i give it a gentle massage; i know his throat aches so i offer him his water; to show how sleepy and sick and altogther frusturated he is he pulls gently at my ponytail, at the soft flesh under my chin. He wants no-one but me - even the Daddy he idolises so much has been pushed aside - and i feel strangely honoured that he wants me as his comfort.

His mum. Mummy. Muuuuuuuummmmmmy.

Yet, i too feel frusturated. I want my lap back - selfishly, perhaps, i want twenty minutes to have a shower without hearing the tired moans of my son, or an hour to cook and eat my dinner without having to fork mouthfuls of food very carefully over the top of his fluffy head. His father would take him - has taken him - but the constant siren wail of " Muuuum! Muuummmy! " is too hard to listen to. It is easier to work around him, to suffer the sore back and numb buttocks for him, to only go to the bathroom when he has fallen asleep and can be put down.

And then, when i again shift my weight beneath his smallness and find a new comfortable spot, i remind myself how lucky i am that it has only been days. That it is not months of sickness, of suffering, of tired frusturation. That we are at home on our lounge under a blanket watching Sesame Street and Play School, and not stuck in the paediatric ward of a hospital. That i even have a child to be sick, when other women want so badly to have a fluffy, sweaty, bundle calling out their name. And, most luckily, that i have family to support me, who gladly agree to take my boy for the night so i can cook, and eat, and fold the four baskets of washing that have piled up in the few days he has been sick.

And i smile through my discomfort, and hold him tighter. I brush the soft hair across his forehead, stroke the smooth baby skin of his cheek. This is only temporary, but he is mine forever....

Hi Ho, Hi Ho....

... its off to work i go! Oh yes, tomorrow will be my first day back at work after 11 months of maternity leave. I am about 10% looking forward to it and 90% not wanting it to happen.
I dont want to leave my Flynny.
I dont want to miss his first steps ( seriously, i reckon he's a month away from walking.. )
I dont want him to get upset because i'm not there with him.
I dont want to go back to work and have to re-learn all the crap i've forgotten since i left ( i think i'm going to have to read the manual that I wrote for my co-workers last year! )
I dont want to have to deal with the state manager that i just cannot stand.
I dont want to deal with rude and obnoxious customers when i could be spending quality time with my son.

But, most of all, i dont want to be broke....and thats why i'm going back to work. 3 days, 9am-5am, is the minimum amount of work i can do to get paid enough to cover our bills and, combined with Micks wages, leave us enough to live comfortably. Some weeks, maybe, not even comfortably - just to make ends meet. So even though i'm not looking forward to it, even though i'll miss my little bubba and i might miss one of his huge milestones ( and i'll be incredibly upset and guilty if that does happen ... ) i recognise that i HAVE to go back to work, for the good of my family. Its that whole unselfish, sacrificing mother thing - despite what i really would like to do, i know that sucking it up and just getting in there and doing is going to be what benefits us most.
Lets just hope i can last more than a week before i get the shits with someone....

Celebrity Advice For National Breastfeeding Week ( If You Choose To Take It )

Ah celebrities - they say the darndest things. And celebrity mums say even darndier ( ok, yep, not actually a word ) things. I had planned on doing a post for National Breastfeeding Week , but after reading the news this morning, and finding this post on Holly's blog , i've decided to change my original idea up a bit. First celebrity on my chopping block? Gisele Bundchen.

Gisele has made headlines today for saying that she believes an international law should be passed decreeing that women MUST breastfeed their babies for at least 6 months. You would think this something that would be supported during Breastfeeding Week but... i gotta say, the whole notion is a bit silly ( for lack of a better word ). Let me just start by saying that i believe that what Gisele is saying comes from a good place but, in reality, its just not do-able for everybody. Not every woman is able to breastfeed, and those that are able arent always able to keep it going for 6 months.There are many complicated factors in whether a woman can or can't breastfeed, whether she chooses to or not - to then pass a law which would only make this decision all the more harder ( and then make a criminal of women who are not able to breastfeed through no fault of their own ) is just ridiculous. The last thing new mothers grappling with mastering the skill of breastfeeding need is the added pressure of worrying whether or not they're going to break the law. I admire Gisele for her passion for the good old booby juice - that was until i read the part of the article where she implies that one of  the other good reasons for passing such a law is because breastfeeding helped her keep her figure. I think her willowy, gorgeous Brazilian supermodel genes may have played a part in that too....

And the second celebrity to step up to the plate ? Jacinta Tynan, an Australian newsreader and part-time author. Ms Tynan is a columnist for one of the Sydney newspapers, and published an article this weekend entitled " The Big Easy "  , in which she writes about how easy she has found motherhood. I wont delve any further into the details of the article ( i'll let you read for yourself ), and i know i'm not the first blogger to post about Ms Tynan today, but i had to say my piece. And what i've got to say is - i didnt like it. I'm all for celebratng motherhood, and on my own blog i'd like to think i give a pretty balanced view of how my mothering experience is moving along. I love to hear stories from mums about all the great things they've done and times they've enjoyed with their bubbas but... i dont want to hear how you think the whole mothering gig isnt hard. The tone of the article, and its written in the first person so it must be representative of Ms Tynan's personal opinion, is that being a mum is not hard, and that anyone who believes otherwise is a whinger. She comes across as a quite smug and arrogant, and as if she believes that women who do find motherhood hard, regardless of their situations ( single parent, post natal depression, more than one child ...) are making a fuss. Its fine to be happy, and to love your child, and to enjoy the whole experience even when it does involve sleepless nights and crying jags, and its wonderful that you arent phased by it all - but dont dismiss the women who are. Don't dismiss the first time mum who, after 6 hrs of constant crying, is curled up on the lounge bawling her own eyes out because its HARD to listen to the child she loves suffering, knowing that she's tried everything she can think of to make him stop. Don't judge the mother who is struggling in the first few weeks of breastfeeding, crying in pain because learning to breastfeed successfully is HARD. And don't look down upon those mothers who maybe suffering PND and find everything so overwhelming that its HARD to even look at their baby.

Mothering is hard, but its also joyful and amazing - or so i've learned in my first 7 months. We need to be told about both sides of mothering, both good and bad, but we need to appreciate them both, no matter our own experience. What a pity that Gisele Bundchen and Jacinta Tynan couldnt appreciate that....

Mummy Meltdown!

I had me a little mummy meltdown last night. I'm not proud of it, but it happened, and i can admit to it. See, my bubba is still having the " tummy troubles " that i've previously blogged about and the challenges of trying to help him shake it are kind of getting to me.

We went to the specialist paedatrician on Monday who advised that i keep up the breastfeeding, give him water and prune juice after every feed and give him a double dose of medecine everyday. Believe it or not, the medecine part of that menu is the easiest. His medecine is super sweet so all i have to do is measure him out a spoonful, into his mouth and mmmmmmmm - he gulps it down. The breastfeeding and the water/juice part is proving to be a little more difficult. I love breastfeeding and i'm so glad that, despite a few hiccups at the start, Flynn and I stuck with it. Problem is that now, at almost 5 months, my milk is not quite enough for him ( which is why we tried a bit of rice cereal - which has seemingly caused the tummy issues - in the first place ). By early evening the little guy is wanting to feed every hour-ish and, before his bedtime rolls around, my supply runs low. This means a little " Mum, i'm still hungry!! " tantrum, before i can settle him down and get him to sleep.

The other issue is with the water and the prune juice. Two weeks of different medical professionals telling me try prune/carrot/apple/orange juice means that my son has developed a sweet tooth early - which means he's not interested in plain old water. He's also not interested in a bottle anymore. Since having all the different remedies shoved at him, he now HATES the bottle. He starts crying as soon as he sees and if you try and put it in his mouth? Screams! So consequently its either force the bottle in and make him swallow something ( while he screams and cries and splutters ) or, well, nothing.

So last night, i had my moment. My milk had run out, Flynn wouldnt even contemplate the bottle of formula i'd made up for him and Mick decided, after an hour of wailing, that it was time he hit the sack. Which left me with a crying, hungry baby, a supply that couldnt satisfy him, and a major headache. I gave him what i could of my milk and then sat with him on my lap, hoping for sleep. Two and a half hours and another feed later, Flynn was pushing out the zzz's.... and i was pouring out the tears. I felt like a bad mum because i'd gotten so frusturated; like i had the most difficult baby in the world but it was my fault because i should never have tried the rice cereal; like my head was going to explode if i couldnt get some quiet and some sleep soon; and i even felt resentfult towards Mick because he'd crept off to bed instead of staying up and helping me.

But fear not - i've moved past it today. I love both my gorgeous fiance and beautiful son to death, and i know i'm a good mumma. The last five weeks have tested my limits and i've had my crazy moments, but i havent ( yet ) completely cracked. Lets just cross fingers that the blood tests that my little guy had on Monday show up nothing serious and we can get a solution to his " difficulty " soon!

I'm No Mummy-Hater......

Ok - so i know we're supposed to have a mummy-sisterhood, and we shouldnt pass judgement on other mummies for what they do or dont do. But i'm gonna, right here, right now, because its been bugging me all week.

I know two lovely women who were both blessed with brand new bubbas this week just gone - one on April 1st and one on April 2nd. Their precious little bundles couldnt be more different - one a boy, almost 9lb, the other a girl, only 3 ounces over 5lb - and neither could the mummas, but they've both done something in the first few days of their babies lives that has had me shaking my head and mumbling " Wha? ". Annoyance #1: the first woman had a baby that took straight to the boob. Her breastfeeding chart in hospital was full of rankings of 4 and 5's ( attached and feeding really well ). Within two days of going home however she had taken him off the breast and put him on to formula, saying that her breasts were too small for him to get milk out off. Which could be true, except the hospital chart would say otherwise, and those who know her best think she's decided to go onto formula because she's too lazy to get up in the night and breastfeed. What?!? That may or not be true, but it if it is i find it greatly annoying ( and i'd be a trifle disgusted in it ). My Flynn found it difficult to attach in the first week or so - in fact we stayed in hospital an extra day and a half just so i was confident that i'd be able to feed him something - and we still feed with the aid of a nipple shield. It hasnt been a nightmare, but nor has been an easy ride ( or entirely convenient ). But i do it because its the best thing for him, and i love him enough to be slightly inconvenienced and tired. And Lady#1 gives up within two days, on a bubba who was a natural to the boob, because she's too lazy? And not only that but straight onto the formula and feeding a 3 day old 60ml at each feed - without consulting a doctor, a midwife, and LAC, not even a chemist. I'm no expert, but that just doesnt seem right. And that lack of loving attention and wanting to do whats best just got up my nose.

Annoyance #2: i know there is HUUUUUUGE debate about SAHM vs working mums. Frankly i would love to not have to go back to work in October but i dont think our finances will allow for it. Working mums are awesome and i have no beef with them. However, i draw the line at returning to work before your baby is a week old. Especially when she is so tiny ( smaller than a Cabbage Patch doll, wearing 000 000 sized clothes ). And especially when you own the business so there is no narky old boss pressuring you to return. Surely someone els can do the spreadsheet for the wages, answer the phone and help a handful of clients for a week or two? She is taking the bubba to work with her ( and her 2 year old son ) but how she expects to get work done and be able to give appropriate attention to the kids is beyond me.

And so - rant over. I know i'm a first time mum and my son is only 3 and half months old so i'm by no means an expert .... but thats just how i feel. You can call me out for ignoring the sacred bonds of motherhood if you want, but we all have our opinions. Of course, its not my place to share these opinons with either of these ladies so i had to get it off my chest somewhere.....